Updated: Mar 22, 2018
It is fear. I am afraid of what telling my story will cost me. After a lot of meditation & personal journaling this week, I saw how fear had crept back in. It has a strong hold on me BUT while my fear has a pulse of its own, it is nothing compared to just how strong my heart beats!
I have taken a break from posting to my blog for quite sometime. I have felt a bit overwhelmed with hard emotions lately. Inspiration hasn’t come so easily. Social media is always a challenge to balance. I strive to be real on social media but for some reason being honest recently has come with resistance. Am I revealing too much? Does my story hurt others? Truth of the matter is, fear. I am afraid of what telling my story will cost me. After a lot of meditation & personal journaling this week, I saw how fear had crept back in. It has a strong hold on me BUT while my fear has a pulse of its own, it is nothing compared to just how strong my heart beats!
Today marks an important anniversary. 2 years ago today, I woke up for the first time in a strange house all alone. Late the night before a team of amazing friends, plus a small moving crew arrived at my home to move me out. Just weeks after what appeared to be a fairy-tale 20th wedding anniversary trip sailing around Greece, I was leaving. I was packing up my kids & moving out. Starting over. I remember waking up that morning thinking what in the world have I done? Did I really just do that? Can I do this? Am I strong enough to survive the pain? Am I smart enough? Will I be able to create a new home for my kids & I?
So many questions that morning. I was literally seized with fear. I spent hours that morning meditating, reading & writing.
I keep a photo on my phone to this day of something I read that morning from Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Your True Home. It spoke of how home is constantly present in our mind and body. That our true home is always accessible with mindfulness, right here in the present moment. I was comforted by that. Mindfulness was not a new concept to me at the time but fear tricks us into believing a false reality about ourselves & what is happening around us.
This morning I listened to a short meditation on Fear from Deepak Chopra. I first discovered this mediation in those first few days on my own. I have since listened to it countless times. Chopra says, “Fear is when my ego overshadows spirit. It creates tightness in my body. I will witness the sensation of fear by feeling it & then I will take the courageous step to do the very thing I fear. I will not fight my ego. I will witness it. This is the highest form of human intelligence; to observe yourself without judgement. Today I will observe fear & my witnessing of it & transform it into love.”
See why I listen to it over & over?! I made a choice that first week out on my own 2 years ago to observe myself with grace and compassion. What use is fear if we cannot transform it into something even more powerful like love? I like to believe I have done that. I look at my life on this epic anniversary in awe of what I have accomplished. How I took so much pain & trauma & transformed it to create the most authentic life I have ever lived. I am not free of fear, it still tugs at me, grabs hold & pulls me back into the shadows from time to time but usually my heart is victorious.
This morning after listening again to the Fear mediation by Deepak, I sat for a few minutes in my little meditation nook, lit my altar candle & spoke to spirit. I asked for guidance moving into this next year of my life. My divorce was finalized a few weeks ago but it came at the same time as the death of my brother. Old grief resurfaced leaving me feeling a little lost. After asking for guidance from spirit, I pulled a card from my Wild Kuan Yin Oracle deck. Thank you Universe…receiving your message loud & clear!
“I dwell in an expansive reality, beyond time & space, where the past has been, the future is yet to be, and what stretches out in all directions, with unlimited potential, is this living radiant moment. I bring you the gift of expanded perception, of freedom from the past, and an ability to simply be happy in the here and now, whilst my heartfelt blessings are drawing sweet success into your future.”
The card I pulled was The Princess Of Red Poppies, delivering the message that the “past is well & truly behind you now”. The pain of my past has moved me deeply but I am free of it now. My past has blessed me with the ability to see joy, beauty & magic daily in my life & all around me. A deep sense of healing runs through my soul. I feel more whole & authentic than I ever have. I wake each day asking “What can I do today in full service of
my heart & soul?” Some days the answer is simply to just honor hard feelings with
out judgement, other days it is the execution of an epic dream.
The ability to transform my fear into love has gifted my a whole new radiant life! Thank you for being part of this beautiful journey!